


Sunday Morning

by SweetDreamsDarling



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Sad Dan Howell, Songfic, daniel and depression, im sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-28
Updated: 2017-12-28
Packaged: 2019-02-23 03:45:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,008
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13181682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetDreamsDarling/pseuds/SweetDreamsDarling
Summary: While everyone knows about Daniel Howell and his depression, it doesn't stop the way it creeps up on him overnight. Waking up in an episode, Dan can only hope that things don't spiral. And that Phil doesn't wake up before he's home.





	Sunday Morning

**Author's Note:**

> This is also posted on my tumblr (phils-quotation-marks)

On a Saturday night a normal bachelor is most likely partying the night away, hoping to get drunk enough to hook up with some woman and that would be their night made.  
  
But not Dan or Phil.  
  
Their ideal Saturday night was filming a gaming video to be edited the next morning, drinking Ribena, ordering a pizza and watching either a TV show or some anime, and it was usual bliss for them. The gaming was fun, it was something that they both throughly enjoyed and a time they could let loose on camera (it was also an excuse to play games, but they didn't say that), and they genuinely enjoyed each other's company.  
  
That Saturday night, one in the summer when the sun was just setting at 9pm, Dan could feel himself slipping through his restlessness. He told Phil he wasn't feeling well enough to film a video for their gaming channel but never told Phil what he actually meant. After knowing Dan for years Phil let it go but kept an eye on him - if Dan was going to spiral again, he would know.  
  
Instead of forcing it out of Dan, Phil set up their couch with masses of blankets and ordered in some pizza - meat feast as usual - as a way to keep Dan comforted. He knew that Dan would work things out, but it wouldn't hurt to keep him in some comfort and away from the clutches of the dark pit he'd sometimes fall in.  
They were half an hour into a new episode of American Horror Story when Phil noticed Dan hadn't touched the pizza at all.  
"Have a slice of pizza, it's really good." Phil's voice trailed at the end, he really didn't know what to say to get Dan to eat some. "I'm really not hungry, I ate a lot earlier." Dan sighed and leaned into Phil more so his head was on his shoulder. Phil knew Dan was lying, saying it only to get him off his case. "Eat a small slice at least." Phil leaned forwards, slightly jolting Dan, and took the smallest slice. The cheese oozed off of the crust and he struggled to not drop it as he brought it closer to Dan. "Here, just have this."  
With a shake of his head, Dan tried to dismiss Phil. "Dan, please. Just a bite." Phil pressed, the pizza really did smell appealing to Dan. He opened his mouth and took a bite, barbecue sauce, meat and cheese filling his mouth.  
  
It sure did taste nice. But as soon as the satisfaction came, it went, and Dan's mouth was full of cardboard. He swallowed and shook his head, grimacing at the thought of filling his mouth with the bland taste again.  
  
Phil felt his eyes getting heavy as they moved onto the next episode, he didn't necessarily mean to but he soon succumbed to sleep with his arm around Dan. It was midnight when Dan checked his phone for the time, he figured he should try and sleep. It'd be a welcome escape from the feeling of nothing that was coming.  
  
2 hours and exactly 23 minutes later Dan woke up. He was aching all over and his body felt ridiculously heavy.  Phil was still asleep beside him, there was a small smile on his lips that was most likely from the dream he was having. Just the sight of Phil smiling gave Dan some kind of comfort, but it was the saddening kink. Dan's mind went straight to him thinking about how he wished he could be like Phil in the sense that an overwhelming depression wouldn't constantly be lurking behind him. Phil was happy, Dan was not. And that was what made Dan comforted, he loved that Phil was happy, at that moment Phil was all that mattered.  
  
Being careful to not wake Phil from his slumber, Dan got up and stretched, feeling his bones crack in a satisfying way. He sighed and picked up his phone. 02:25. He threw it back down on the couch, he didn't want anyone to contact him while he was out.  
  
The apartment door clicked shut and Dan walked down the stairs to get out, he couldn't quite grasp where he wanted to go or what he was doing.  


The streets of London were mysteriously quiet, there were no cars or drunks wandering about aimlessly. The cool air was a welcoming thing for Dan, the summer sun had been bothering him for days on end, to be cold was rather nice.  
But as Dan walked down the street, he couldn't shake the feeling of something dawning so close behind him. It wasn't anything physical, not that he would care if it was, but moreso a set of thoughts that he couldn't break from. His memories of years he'd merely survived; wasted years where he wallowed in his own sadness. It was pathetic to him.  
  
YouTube's own Daniel Howell. Many adults scoffed when they heard it, the thought of YouTubers making videos for a job was ridiculous to them. He knew. They'd email him. Unlike Phil, Dan didn't have a degree to support him. He had nothing. If, when, YouTube flopped, he was sure Phil would swan off and abandoned him. Dan was huge of statement fashion, spending over £100 on a jumper alone. His bank account could support him for a while if he stopped splashing out on consoles and games and clothes, just buying necessities. But then what? He couldn't go back to retail, he wouldn't cope. People knew his face from posters about their tours, books in stores, YouTube, and other various events, he'd never get a normal life. He could go abroad, but people knew his name.  
There was one option he didn't want to think about.  
  
The sun would rise early, but Dan liked the silence of the change over from night to morning, it gave him time to think and feel. Phil would be sleeping, mouth slack as he entered a deeper stage of sleep  
  
No stars lit up the sky and it was bitter cold, Dan was only wearing a thin t-shirt and it was beginning to hurt his fingers. The only thing he could do was shove them in the pockets of his jeans and occupy his mind with other matters; other matters that would make him glad of the biting cold.  
  
Time seemed to halt as Dan got to the end of the street, he rubbed his eyes and looked to make sure what he was seeing was real. It wasn't, obviously, unless he and Phil were cloned and on their way to their apartment for the very first time. Dan had been in a depressive episode then, but the prospect of a brand new start had alleviated it just for the day. Phil was carrying his backpack and Dan was holding bags of grocery that they'd need until they'd settled in. That entire day was a dream come true, they'd waited for their moment for so long, barely scraping through with their income, and finally things began to look up for the two of them.  
  
"I'm just tired..." Dan said to himself, he was staring at nothing as his mind conjured up the image of him and Phil. It was probably a good job no one was around. People asked what was wrong and Dan couldn't be dealing with that right now, he just needed to escape his head. And fast.  
  
The whirling in his head turned into a headache and he hadn't a clue how much time had passed since he left Phil alone. Big Ben wasn't making a sound anymore so there was no telling how long there was left for Dan to be alone in the streets.  
He wondered what he'd do if a fan saw him, maybe asking him why he was out, and figured he'd probably break down in tears. He didn't want to be reminded that he was so much of a mess that he was out early morning trying to clean up his own mind.  
  
"Dan? Dan!" Someone was shouting him and he panicked. Shoulders hunching and holding his breathe, he willed for the ground to swallow him whole. Someone knew him and they'd tell everyone. The voice was too far and distorted by both Dan's panic and the slight breeze for him to put a name to it. His hands went to his face again.  
No, no, no, this wasn't suppose to be happening.  


"Hey, Dan, calm down. It's me. It's Phil. You're safe." He relaxed slightly, he knew Phil would've thrown himself at Dan to make sure he didn't walk away before he got here, he could feel the warmth of Phil from him running to Dan. "Phil..."  
"No, Dan. It's okay." He rocked gently and kept Dan encased in his arms. "It's not, it's really not."  
"Well then, we'll just have to wait it out. Won't we?"  
  
A horrible pain spread through Dan's head, making him feel rather nauseous and dizzy. "I don't feel good..." He half whimpered, he just wanted to go home and sleep, he felt like such an idiot. "Let's go home and get you settled down, I'll make an exception to the rules today and let you sleep in." Something about that made him giggle, the sound felt weird in the silence but he couldn't stop.  
"What's so funny?" Phil asked, smiling and keeping Dan to his chest. "We've had those rules for so long, I'm just thinking about how long they've been in place." And it really had been so long, since the time Dan moved in with Phil, it had been an instinct for Phil to help Dan with the way he felt and that birthed the rules. At first, Dan would never stick to them and would end up with a look of desperate disappointment from Phil, but after trying to stick to them for a month, he'd felt something change. Not much, only one tiny thing, and that was what made him stay on track. Through it all Phil had stuck by Dan and he was never going anywhere else - despite what Dan's mind led him to believe sometimes.  
  
With Dan leaning on him, Phil made the walk back to their apartment. The sun was just rising behind them and a pinkish glow was set about everywhere. It was the time where Phil felt most alive, and Dan felt most restless.  
But that was the way they were.  
Dan and Phil were opposites in quite a lot of ways, but anything they did complimented the other. They could be whatever they wanted to be, and when they said the world would split in two without them both together, they knew it was true.  
  
Dan's depression always took him down the wrong thought path, making him sure that Phil was going to leave and that he was no good for Phil, but it was all wrong. Phil loved Dan wholly, in every way people thought and more. He wouldn't change him, he simply wouldn't be Dan if he was anything different.  
  
When they got into their apartment, Dan was too tired to even attempt to go to bed, he unwound himself from Phil and instantly fell asleep on their couch. "Sleepy Danny..." Phil muttered to himself, smiling fondly at him. The sadness he felt when Dan was going through rough times wouldn't help them in the slightest, so he supported him whenever he could.  
He shuffled around in silence to gather up pillows and blankets. It was summer but Dan had been out in the cold for too long and he was still shivering slightly. Phil lay the blankets over Dan and watched as he snuggled into them, pulling at them like a child. "I'm so proud of you."  
And with that, Phil made sure to lock the door and move both their keys into his room so that Dan wouldn't go out without him knowing, then it was time for an overdue sleep.


End file.
